*Tear*

Today my eyes sweated a bit. Various times through out this evening I attempted to hold it back. The moisture beads would come to the edge of my eyes but I'd try to stop them. Why? Because sometimes it feels like..... I don't even have the right words to complete this sentence. This sounds like a total broken record. As everyone I know and their mom are dealing with "emotional turmoil", many due to relationships, and god knows I've been able to avoid it all. To avoid the troubles of relationships since I've never really had any. But other crap sneaks up on you. Stress that your family loves to pile on. And I hate that I have to vent to this thing! But I can't even remember the last time I kinda cried. Cuz Jess doesn't cry. Jess is too strong. Jess is unbreakable. But today, she broke a bit. The stress I don't ask for, that none of us ever ask for, but still I suck it up, I answer the phone calls that come, I return the calls that I miss, I reply to the messages that are left and take the swats of it cuz others go and hide or are out of the vicinity for logistical reason or are too young or that you'd rather save others the trouble of having to deal with the stress because they have their own stress to deal with that any more stress would clearly push them into some hidden corner that is next door to oblivion. The stress I deal with because others decide to disappear. The stress I deal with because I am the product of a stubborn "slow moving in action" father and a nagging mother who's brilliant but can't physically do the stuff she wants to do and has to wait for the slow moving father to do anything. The stress I hold up because I'm "Jess." And somtimes, seriously, I will break. I will crumble. And today, was that day.

So this will be my first and hopefully last angry entry ever. If one of my entries are angry, you know sh*t has kinda hit the fan and no mercy will be allowed.
-There's never a time in a family when you decide you can't be a TEAM PLAYER and don't show up for the game. If you have to be sidelined, fine, but you still bring your butt to the game and cheer your team on. You don't ditch out on the game and go off and do your own thing and tell your team nothing

*It's one thing to feel alone when you don't show up. When you pull away from the team. But when you show up and you still feel alone. Then that's me. That doesn't seem logical. And that's why I cried tonight.

Sing Me Sweet.....
Sing me sweet, Sing me low,
Sing me never let me go, Cause I've gone on long enough,
waiting for wonderful.....
-Matt Nathanson

It's been a turbulent week/month for myself but after calculating the points, I think my friends and family have had a rouuuuugh month. With breakups happening left and right, for reasons that are unexplainable, logistical, stupid or random, I can't help but feel for those that do the breaking and those that get to be broken by another as I sit and watch from my warm seat in the dugout.

The view from the dugout pains me. To see the people I love emotionally devastated or showing too little compassion or not enough closure, I've witnessed a whirlwind view of emotions run wild. Pardon all the puns, but I'm trying to avoid the innocent parties. In a way I'm beyond proud and happy that my near and dear went through such great moments of passion and love with reckless abandon. Isn't that what life is all about sometimes? Throwing your heart out into the wind and not caring if it comes flying back at you in a million little pieces? You meet. You greet. You do the hang out. You do the date thing. You do the bf/gf thing. You do the homerun kinda thing(not necessarily in this order of course, as proven by humanity *wink wink* ). You have your 1st fight kinda thing. You love hard. You yell hard. Together you screw up somewhere. You break up. Or if luck is on your side, you get to avoid the last two and together you fight it out and get to live out the greatest love story ever told. Yeah? No? Either way, if you end up together or if your relationship goes up in flames, remember the moments in the past that you permanently had a grin/smile tattoooo'd across your face. The good times of the past will get you through the future as those are the moments we live for yes?

Nonetheless, from a catapillar waiting to become a butterfly....someday, it happens for all of us and I wonder, how will I be as the breaker or the breakeee in the future. Things to ponder.
So at the end of the day, after many pails of tears, piles of snot rags lining our beds, we're more grown up, hopefully stronger and ready for the next battttter up. And if love is the game of baseball, Tom Hanks did say, "There's no crying in baseball!!!!" Only eyes sweating.